What’s That Smell?

So let me start by saying that there are a LOT of things that I did not anticipate when I became a mother and more importantly, that NO ONE ever tells you.
Case in point: At some point you will need to deal with a number of your ugly bathroom issues in front of your children in public. 
Sounds awful, right? Of course it is! But what I think you might not be understanding is the full gravity of this situation. Maybe you don’t have kids. Maybe you always have a shopping partner or better yet, don’t need to take the kids in the first place. Maybe you’re really lucky and are a hermit or have agoraphobia. In any case, let me break it down for you.
You may think that the main point of horror in this sentence is the phrase “your ugly bathroom issues” or maybe you want to make a case for “in front of your children”. Alas, these are both wrong. The correct point of horror is “in public”.
You see, I can withstand a great deal of humiliation behind the safety of my own closed doors, however, it is another story all together when this degradation takes place in the public realm. I always like to say that if no one saw it or you were too drunk to remember then it can’t really be embarrassing and you are free to laugh along. What you may not remember is that children are loud, brutally honest, and without filter and this trifecta will come together to shame you publicly in ways you never imagined.
Don’t believe me?
In the last year I have had two equally horrible experiences in public restrooms.
The first was my pathetic attempt to explain to my children why the water is pink that time at the mall when Aunt Flow snuck up on me. I’ll spare you more details, but needless to say there was a barrage of questions.
No I don’t have an owie.
No you can’t see it.
Yes, it’s a kind of bandaid.
Yes, it will happen to you when you grow fur on your girl parts, too.
That was followed soon after by the horrendous Target debacle of 2014. This is best described by reading back t
he transcripts of that fateful day:
Baggins (Yelling):  “Mom, it smells like poop. Are you pooping?!”
Me: Shhh!
Baggins: “Well, are you?! It smells like poop! It really stinks mom!”
Me:You need to be quiet. People can hear you. I don’t need everyone to know what we’re doing.”
Baggins: “That you’re pooping? But everyone poops.”
Bear: “That’s gross.”
Yep. And if your a mother reading this I think you might find this familiar. If not, well, I hope you’re day never comes because it doesn’t end there. I mean, It’s bad enough you have to squish all your bodies into one stall, right?
Nope. Next is THE EXIT OF SHAME.
You might hear a snicker or have that one woman who’s “been there” give you her best sympathetic/pity smile, but for the most part no one will make eye contact with you as you emerge and wash your hands faster than ever before.
It’s a story the will share with others.
And as awful as it is, when your children are young you really have no other options if you’re out on your own. I suggest you forgo you’re morning coffee and try you’re best to hold it.